Sunday, December 28, 2008

War with Snezhok Continues!!! (Also, a picture of my father)

Dear fellow human beings,
I call on you all to boycott the Feline menace. And also to be afraid.

This past weekend, I had another one of those "visit my father once every three weeks" visits, where I have to sleep over at his crib and deal with the cat. Remember this spiteful bastard from the last visit?



Yeah, so during the last visit, I kind of kicked him because, no Snezhok, I don't enjoy waking up to someone eating my fucking feet. So during this visit, I closed the door to my room really tightly, and wrapped my feet in the blankets so that they constituted a soft but impenetrable fortress for my feet.

Did this help? Hell no! In the morning I had this dream that my mother was biting my ankles. At some point I realize that crazy as she is, this just doesn't sound like something that she would do, and immediately figure out that in fact, the damned Snezhok must have broken through all of my defenses and gotten to my feet somehow. It's like in that movie "Ravenous", where this guy says "he was licking me!" in this really small voice. Yeah, that's how it felt to realize that my precious feet had become an entertaining supper for this bitch, yet again.

But I refused to be a victim. I bundled my feet in the blankets so tightly that Snezhok couldn't reach them. It was like the Fort Knox of feet in there. So you know what this bastard son of a bitch does? He proceeds to meow very loudly until I have no choice but to get up. It was 8 a.m.! On a Saturday! Bitch!

Anyway, I figure since I'm up already, I might as well make an omelet for my father and his wife. So I turn on the stove, ONE of the burners, to the LOWEST setting and leave the kitchen to get some additional ingredients for the omelet from the pantry. When I return, the albino son of a syphilitic whore is standing by the stove. The minute he sees me, he tears out of there like all hell has just broken loose. I come up to the stove. It's one of those electric stoves, that don't actually have fire. Here's what I see: The burner that I had my frying pan on is turned up to the HIGHEST setting, and there's ANOTHER burner on, also on the highest setting. What??? I just kind of stare at it for a while in disbelief.

Snezhok knows how to use the stove. I almost shit myself, seriously.
I mean it's creepy enough that he can open door handles and stuff, but the stove?

And not only has he figured out how to use the stove, but I just know that the bastard did it on purpose. He was totally trying to set the kitchen on fire and frame me for it! It's no joke people, this cat is completely horror-movie-scary-satanic.

I was afraid to leave the kitchen from this point on. When my father's wife woke up, I told her about this and she totally didn't believe me and said that I must have turned the second burner on and turned my burner up accidentally. What am I, retarded? How would I have done that accidentally? No, it was the cat.

My father fully believed me thankfully, because according to him, he's actually observed Snezhok get on the toilet, perch on the edge, take a dump inside, and then flush the damn thing.

Anycat, if Snezhok pulls any shit with my on my next visit, he's going to find a pound of fish bones in his cat food next time. I mean it. I'm going to poison that son of a bitch. See, I can't really get rid of him in any obvious kind of way because the kids would never forgive me. They like him for some reason. But one way or another, if he keeps fucking with me, he's going down.

Oh, here's a picture of me and my father. It's not a very flattering shot of me, but I'm not so vain as to not post it.



Beware of cats!

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