Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Fuck my Heart! (Or a Handy Guide to the Mating Rituals of the Russian Proletariat)

I have no idea.

Did you people seriously think that after a mere 10 months in this fucking nasty ass, lonely, cold, foul-weathered hellhole, I would even come close to understanding how these people get their date on? Fuck that noise. I don't understand anything about the way these people get together, stay together, or to be more precise, what the motherfuck they want from me.

So this isn't so much a guide, as it is a list of what I've observed, experienced, and learned in what can now be called, close to a year, in this country, as far as dating and fucking is concerned. These aren't in any particular order, so don't bother looking for continuity.

1. Russian women have a shelf life. I think we all know this. They are some of the most beautiful women in the world, but once they hit 28 or so, having already popped out a few babies, they pretty much look like they're 40. A really hot 40, but still, these bitches look way more used than a woman from the States might. What most of us don't know is that:

2. Russian men have a shelf life too. Holy fuck do they ever. And theirs is actually shorter than the women's. Shit, in Russia, their life in general is considerably shorter. So it shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that they hit midlife around 24. Yeah, that's cause they only live to like 48 tops. So you start out with these beautiful blond waif boys, that at some point between the age of 23 and 24 go through a physical metamorphosis which causes they necks to become the same size as their heads, their heads to become square, their bodies to become squat like a dwarf's and covered by a dense forest of dark hair, and their pretty blue eyes to become bloodshot, while their skin gets riddled with broken blood vessels. This is also accompanied by pig pot bellies caused by excessive drinking. Actually, I think a lot of it might be caused by the excessive drinking of alcohol, cologne, antifreeze, and all the other creative shit they think is drinkable during a bad hangover. What, you thought gopniks just came out of the womb like that? Discovering this particular fact may be one of the biggest disappointments of my life.

3. Russian men suffer from something that they call "Scared Dick" over here. It was recently pointed out to me that all men have this problem from time to time, not just the Russians, but to be perfectly honest, I've never encountered it among men from other countries with the frequency that I have here. "Scared Dick" is exactly what it sounds like. It's when a guy is nervous around you and can't get his shit up until he feels more "comfortable" around you. You kind of have to hold his hand and pet his head til the ED goes away, or something. I always thought that I was very understanding when a guy suffered from performance anxiety. But Jesus fucking Christ! Get over your dick already. I'm not going to break it. I've handled one before, and it was fine. Still on there. Haven't had any screaming complaints.
I would also like to note that I've fucked plenty of Russian Jews back in the States, and non of them had this problem. So I'm thinking it's not a cultural thing so much as... I'm not racist.

4. A large chunk of Russian men don't seem to understand the concept of a one night stand. They understand hookers, and how you don't need to try to have a relationship with each one of those just because they fucked you, but free ladies? No. They don't get that. The second you fuck a dude here, he thinks it means that you want a relationship, and tries to instigate one with you immediately. Frankly, I don't even know how to respond to that shit. Back in the States, if you had a one night stand and the dude actually bothered asking for your number, and then actually called you, you weren't in a fucking relationship until you BOTH decided that this is something that you want. Here in crazyland, you fuck a dude, and BAM! His ass is calling you the very same day (no two day wait period for these Speedy Gonzales'), and faster than you can say "give me a second to wipe your sperm off of my stomach", you're in a goddamn relationship. And then you have to go to his fucking Dacha with him where he has an axe and it's kind of creepy because you just met 4 days ago. Fuck!

5. Russian men say "I love you" about as often as normal men say "How you doin'?". Yeah, they throw their "I love you"s and "I'm madly in love with you"s around rather freely. This might be their way of guaranteing that you keep letting them put their penis inside of you, but I like to think that it's so that no one can blame them when it clearly turns out that they didn't mean it. So you can't ever ever believe a Russian dude when he says it. He pretty much has to back that shit up with a marriage before a smart woman will actually believe him. Lucky for him, this country is full of stupid bitches.

6. And now to combine the two points above. Once you're in that weird, way too fast, way too soon too serious relationship, he will tell you that he loves you, and if you have really shit luck, he will actually mean it. Or so it will turn out, when you dump his ass after a month and a half of what you thought was casual dating, and he thought was mating for life. Even though you told him, you actually told him with your mouth that you were not in a serious relationship. You told him this WHILE you were dating, on a number of different occasions. So, naturally, when you do dump him, he completely loses his shit and proceeds to accuse you of spitting in his soul, not caring about his emotions, and throwing him out like garbage. Because Russian men are not too proud to act like jilted little bitches.

7. Every Russian man has a baby. Somewhere, somehow, he's knocked some bitch up at least a year before you met him, and has a baby. And he loves that baby, but he's not going to tell you about it when you first meet. You're going to figure it out by looking at his photos on Facebook. Now I'm not saying that this is weird or anything, but I do think that a child might be worth mentioning on the second date or so. If it's not too soon for me to go to your Dacha with you, it sure as fuck shouldn't be too soon for you to tell me that you have a kid out there.

8. Point 7 applies to men as young as 18. They're still pretty and waifish, but they too have a fucking kid somewhere out there.

9. If YOU (ladies) happen to be stupid to enough to actually fall in love in this country, it's absolutely going to be with the one guy that doesn't want to be in a relationship. It's going to be with the guy who thinks love is made out of Satan. He'll tell you that he loves you. He won't mean it. He'll tell you that he wants to spend time with you. He won't. But he'll keep fucking with your head so that you keep waiting for him to do the whole "love/spend time together" thing with you. He'll text you and send messages online, and even send you love songs, just to make sure that you keep loving him. Until finally, you remember how old you are and unfriend his ass from your Facebook account, and hope that he doesn't call you anymore.

10. Russian condoms come in several varieties. Durex, Contempo, Romantic Love...They are all made in China. They are all counterfiet. They all break! Thankfully the morning after pill is sold in every pharmacy here, and costs a wopping $3. Thanks Russia! Too bad the morning after pill isn't also the magic "STD-B-Gone" pill. During my brief vacation to the U.S., a friend gave me 250 Lifestyle condoms. Thanks!!!!!!

11. I'm not mentioning women in this list only because everyone knows that Russian women are disloyal bitches and are not to be trusted. Don't believe Russian women. Also, they all swing both ways. There are no strictly straight women in Russisa. Might be cause they're all so hot, might be because the men are all dirty liars with babies on the side, point is, I can't deal with either gender here.

That's pretty much all of the data that I've gathered so far. I hope that it has been educational, and for those of you planning to travel this way, a warning.