Monday, October 25, 2010

Cannibals, Yay!

So I finally found something new to write about.

The other day I had this conversation with one of my adult Russian students (word for word transcription, nothing added or omitted):

Me: So, would anyone here ever eat a dog? I mean, dogmeat? I mean, if you were hungry enough.

Student1: No, I never will eat a dog. Why would I eat a dog? No.

Student2: Yes, I ate this once.

Me: Excuse me? You ah, you ate a dog once?

Student2: Yes, when I was in army.

(me and Student1 both stare at each other and at Student2 while blinking rapidly with our eyes).

Me: so em, why did you do this? You didn't have any other food in the army?

Student2: Yes! No food. I was verry hungrry. We all eat dog in the army.

Me: wow... (trying not to look surprised. I'm not squimish, just wasn't expecting that)

Me: Okay, next question on my "Would you ever" list is, god help me, "Would you ever eat a person?" Um, so now we're talking about human meat.

Student1: No! Never! This is disgusting! Who write these list for you?

Me: Um, I just got it off of a website for ESL conversation classes.

Student2: I would. I had a friend in army who did this.

Me: What? Sorry, did you just say that you know someone who ate a person?

Student2: Yes, my friend in arrmy, when he was in Chechnia, he eat a person.

Me: Because he was really hungry, like you with the dog, and had no food?

Student2: He was in mountains for s weeks. He was in, what do you call it, special force? And they had prisoner.

Me: So they killed their POW and ate him because they had no food for three weeks? Jesus...

Student2: No no no no no! They not kill him. They keep him alive, cut meat from his thighs and grill them and then eat them. And he watch.

Me: ?????
What the fffffffffff...

Student1: (complete fucking silence. Won't even look at Student2.)

Student2: Well, they ver angry at the prisoner. So they want to hurt him, but also, they ver hungry.

Me: okay, that's, that's it for the day. I'll see you next week. A lot of food for thought there heh-heh. Thanks Boris. Very interesting today.

Yeah, real convo. Really happened. I love Russia.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

FUCK YOU DIMA!!!! (Or how to kick a three-legged dog in the balls)

Yeah, am I bitter? Yes. Am I pissed off? Shitteously! Am I hurt like a three-legged dog that just got kicked in the balls? Without a doubt!
And why you might ask?
Because I got into a "serious" relationship over here ya'll. Now please, have a good laugh at my expense because I'm such a dumbass. First time I fall in love with a man in seven years and he turns out to be such a dick that I might just go play for the other team for reals this time.
Now let me start out by saying that when I got together with DIMA he was living with another girlfriend, and had been living with her for the past three years. Here is a quick summary of our six month relationship, which by the way is the longest relationship that I've been in since college:

- Girl meets boy. It's love at first sight.
- Boy leaves his other girlfriend and moves in with girl.
- Boy eats all of girl's food and sucks up whatever financial means she has at her disposal.
- Girl quietly complains about money but boy cooks really good food and fucks like a stallion so girl continues to ignore the fact that she's supporting a man-sized baby.
- Girl and boy are in love. Girl introduces boy to her father. Everything is great. (Except for the fact that money is tight and girl is getting kind of needy and clingy because she's so in love)
- Boy goes away to a music festival and comes back all distant and shit.
- Boy increasingly needs to hang out with his friends without girl and is even more distant.
- Girl begins to feel insecure and unattractive. And also, suspicious.
- Girl and boy only have sex in a dirty nightclub because he's hardly ever home anymore.
- Girl's financial situation improves (because man-sized baby is eating elsewhere) while her emotional state deteriorates.
- Girl asks boy if he's fucking other women while in a hysterical state. Boy admits that "yes, when I need to." FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING CUNT ASSHOLE MOTHERFUCKER!!!!
- Boy gets a new girlfriend without telling girl about it, and judging by the looks of her, has no intention of breaking up with girl because new girlfriend looks about 19 so she probably has no income and lives with her parents, thereby not being in a position to support boy. DROP DEAD YOU USING PIECE OF SHIT COCKSUCKER!!!!
- Girl finally breaks up with boy via text message after a solid month and a half of depression and inner-turmoil. Boy doesn't even bother calling girl back.
- Girl calls boy and tells him to get his shit out of her place. This is when information about new girlfriend is confirmed. FUCKER!
- Girl's heart is so fucking broke she may never love again. At least for the summer.

The End.

This was the best and worst relationship that I have ever been in. And the funny part is that when I got together with this sorry excuse for a Siberian abortion, I knew that it would turn out this way. I knew that eventually, I would be in the exact same position as the girl he was with when he and I got together. And I told myself that when that happened, I had to bail out immediately, and also, under no circumstances am I to fall in love with this fucking gigolo. And then, I just, forgot. I fucking forgot. So I guess the only one to blame here is not me, and not DIMA, but my shit ability to remember things. FUCK YOU MEMORY!!!! Next time work better.

I swear, next time I meet a man, I'm going to write a big reminder right above my bed so that we can both see it every morning. It's going to be something like "THIS MOTHERFUCKER WILL SCREW YOU OVER EVENTUALLY. DUMP HIS ASS THE MINUTE SHIT DON'T SEEM RIGHT AND DON'T FALL IN LOVE NO MATTER WHAT." I am actually going to do this. But I'll write it in English so it's not such a shocker for him every morning.

All laughs aside, I really hurt and don't know how to make it stop. Any advice will be appreciated.