Thursday, May 28, 2009

A Letter to American Debt Collection Agencies

Dear Debt Collectors,

I really appreciate the diligence with which you are trying to locate me to collect the monies that I owe you for an education that I didn't complete. Seriously, the methods that you used to find that one friend that I had as a contact on my school loan application were probably close to criminal.
I don't even have her home number, so I applaud the effort that you must have exerted in order to obtain her contact information. Kudos and good job!

Now Steve, I appreciate that I owe your company 47,000 dollars, but I'm afraid that you're just going to have to get your ass in line after the people that I owe the 60,000 dollars to. They're sort of ahead of you on the "Plusha owes us a shitload of money" list. And furthermore, as I explained to you on the phone yesterday, when I had the courtesy to finally call you back (and thanks for thanking me, that was classic), I am unemployed and living homeless in Goa, India. So no, Steve, I won't be settling my debt with you today, or any other day in the near future. And as I further explained to you, given the current GLOBAL economic crisis, I really think that you need to calm the fuck down about the measly 47,000 that I owe you. Now I realize that in part, I probably contributed to the said crisis, but honestly, it's not my fault that the banks that decided to loan me money for lawschool thought that I would finish it and was therefore a good investment. Motherfuckers gambled and lost. It's that simple.

In conclusion, my dear debt collection agencies, please stop harrassing my friends and former employees. I am currently a deadbeat with debts, and I'm not going to pay you until I'm good and ready to. Until such a time, you need to just slow your roll and keep doing those breathing exercises because as my mamma used to say (my mamma never really said this), "you can't squeeze blood from a stone."

Thank you for your attention,


Plusha the Deadbeat (from India with Love)

Monday, May 25, 2009

Just a Joke

Hey everybody!

Ok, I don't have a whole lot to write about right now. But I did hear this joke recently. So here it is for your pleasure:

God comes to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden and says to them

"I have two gifts to bestow upon you my children. The first gift is the ability to pee standing up."

Adam excitedly puts up his hand and yells "Me me me! I want it I want it I want it!"

So God gives him the gift, Adam pisses all over everything, the plants, the animals, God's foot, while screaming "look at me!"

So after he's done pissing all over the place, Eve looks down kind of discouraged and quietly asks
"Um, so what's the second gift?"

God replies "Brains."

Monday, May 11, 2009

New Complaints!!!!

Alright folks,
I thought that now that Spring is here, my incessant complaints would finally cease, but no such luck. I was going to write about my London trip, but it was actually kind of boring. However, since I promised, Here are the only two things worth noting about London:

1. The British people are afraid of school children. Apparently British school children are like one of the Biblical plagues when it comes to shoplifting. And here is the adults' way of dealing with it:

People, they just banned a whole shitload of customers from coming in to their store. Mind you they don't say "Only two school children allowed in the shop at a time." No, they say "Only two school children allowed." Which two school children are they referring to? And that's why they managed to have, and hold onto, a huge empire for so many years. Cause they know hot to get shit done!

2. All I could think when I was served this for breakfast was "I wonder if it was the British that taught the Mexicans to eat beans with every meal, or if it was the Mexicans that taught the British?" Either way, this was so disgusting that I had to debate whether I should eat it or regurgitate what I had eaten the day before on top of it. I doubt it would have made much of a difference:

And that's all I'm going to say about England.

Now, onto what's really important, the weather. Here are some pictures of Saint Petersburg winter, just so we are clear on the climate here.
So these were taken at the end of February:

This was taken at the end of April:

I went to London right after snapping this shot, where it was SPRING. But as far as Saint Petersburg is concerned, it's still fucking winter and it's perfectly ok to snow it's ass off.

But then finally, at long last, Spring began in good old St. Pete's:

I hadn't seen the color green in so long, I forgot what it looked like. Also, at long last, the ever-elusive sun:

Ok, so Spring is finally here. Great! Now please take a close look at the two following pictures of the Fontanka:
1. So it looks pretty warm. Please note what the woman is wearing. Short sleeved shirt. Clear skies, lovely warm Spring day.
2. And then I literally turn around and take a picture of the opposite direction:
What the fuck!??? Maximize this picture and take a look at what the two dudes are wearing. Jackets. Because Saint Petersburg exists in the Fifth Dimension of the Twilight Zone where two entirely different weather fronts can exist in the exact same space. I was literally standing in one spot and just took a picture of each direction. I swear to god I didn't photoshop the actual pictures. What the hell is this? Wizardry?

Ok, and now I'd like to seriously discuss something that's been driving me batshit crazy over here. See, people here walk everywhere. Because the subway stops are far and few inbetween, most people just hoof it. So naturally, when they tell you that something is just a short walk from your house, it's actually a good 30 to 40 minute walk. Again, reminder, I live in the Twilight Zone where time, apparently, speeds up and slows down depending on how long you've lived here for.
Recently, I was invited somewhere and told that it was literally on the next street over from my place. So I decided to go. I was tired after working all day and wasn't up for a "short" walk. I made the inviter swear to me that this place was actually near by. After walking for 30 minutes down this street, which actually was one street over, looking for building number 50, and noting that I was finally at building 32, and assuming that I'm close to my destination, I see this bullshit:
What??? The??? Fuck??? 32/11? What is that? And how many more of these are going to pop up before I get to 50? In NYC, they just sort of go 1, 2, 3, 4, etc. There's no fucking fractions involved there. I swear I almost started crying. I was so pissed at my mother by the time I got to the bar that I refused to speak to her for the first 10 minutes.
But I calmed down after a while. Here's a picture of me at the bar, just for posterity's sake:
Yeah, I decided that since I already live in a place where time and space don't matter, I'm going to live in 1976.

Another thing that I've discovered with the advent of warmer weather, is this lovely playground right underneath my window, where children like to hang out and scream as loud as they can when I'm trying to sleep on the weekends.

And I thought that I was over my whole child-hating phase...
I'm going to start throwing garbage down on them if they keep interrupting my sleep. Because I AM that kind of person.

One last thing. If you are planning to come here during the summer, be ready to see a lot of this all around the city:

The winters are so rough here, that every single summer, they dig up all the streets in the city to "fix" the pipes, and everyone has to learn how to not get their heels stuck in these little "bridges". I think they do it just to make the "short" walks even more "fun".

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Trip to London and More

Fooled you!
I'll update the blog this weekend.
It'll be all about how I went to London, with a re-posting of the pics from there, along with some pics of Russian Winter and Spring that I've collected on the old camera, and a cute little story about my first encounter with a Russian Nationalist, or "patriot" as he called himself. For those not in the know, these are not the same as the skinheads. Also, I went to see a psycho billy band and am now completely in love with that style of music.
But all that is coming this weekend. See, the weather has improved, so the hell that I'm living in is not so frozen anymore, which makes it difficult to bitch about the cold. Ok, so we're in agreement. More this weekend. Check back here on Monday and I promise I will post some new stuff. I know that I'm missed here, so scout's honor there'll be some new shit on here come Monday.

Are previews allowed in the world of blogging?