Dear Debt Collectors,I really appreciate the diligence with which you are trying to locate me to collect the monies that I owe you for an education that I didn't complete. Seriously, the methods that you used to find that one friend that I had as a contact on my school loan application were probably close to criminal. I don't even have her home number, so I applaud the effort that you must have exerted in order to obtain her contact information. Kudos and good job!
Now Steve, I appreciate that I owe your company 47,000 dollars, but I'm afraid that you're just going to have to get your ass in line after the people that I owe the 60,000 dollars to. They're sort of ahead of you on the "Plusha owes us a shitload of money" list. And furthermore, as I explained to you on the phone yesterday, when I had the courtesy to finally call you back (and thanks for thanking me, that was classic), I am unemployed and living homeless in Goa, India. So no, Steve, I won't be settling my debt with you today, or any other day in the near future. And as I further explained to you, given the current GLOBAL economic crisis, I really think that you need to calm the fuck down about the measly 47,000 that I owe you. Now I realize that in part, I probably contributed to the said crisis, but honestly, it's not my fault that the banks that decided to loan me money for lawschool thought that I would finish it and was therefore a good investment. Motherfuckers gambled and lost. It's that simple.
In conclusion, my dear debt collection agencies, please stop harrassing my friends and former employees. I am currently a deadbeat with debts, and I'm not going to pay you until I'm good and ready to. Until such a time, you need to just slow your roll and keep doing those breathing exercises because as my mamma used to say (my mamma never really said this), "you can't squeeze blood from a stone."
Thank you for your attention,
Sincerely,
Plusha the Deadbeat (from India with Love)
Suckas!
Suckas!
6 comments:
ohhh, so that's why you went to Russia....
ABSOLUTELY!!!
Well, it was certainly part of the reason.These bitches were garnishing my wages. Didn't make sense to keep working in the states where they could get at me and put a hurt on my salary. I may get paid a lot less here, but at least I get to keep all of it.
The day that I called them and told them that I was soon to be unemployed, had no assets, and was leaving the country, I think I might have had an orgasm because they were all like "But how can you do this? You HAVE to pay us!" and I was like "Nope! No I don't. In your face! NOBODY PUTS PLUSHA IN THE CORNER!"
You tell em Plusha!!!! Note: the verification word below is, and i quote - BAAM. Thats right !
I had great verification words yesterday when I friended someone on Facebook. It was " fuzzy pickles"
LOL!!!! I love this letter! You should send it to them for reals. I wanna see their response. Hhahahha!
Ah, but if I send it to them, they'll see that it's postmarked from here instead of Goa, India. Then they'll know where I really am. I'm in hiding, so no can do.
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