Dear Friends,
I had a whole post prepared about how this amazing, beautiful, incredibly talented young musician came over to our place last night, and we had a lovely time and jammed, and even recorded all of it, and how he said that he knows this chic that I should sing with and all was well with the world. But I'm not going to post that shit. Instead, having woken up this morning, sleepily gone to the bathroom, and walked out of there once again seething with rage and hatred, I'm going to do an entire post on how much I hate the bathrooms here. That's right. I hate the fucking bathrooms here.
Now I'm really sorry about this. There are plenty of things that I choose not to write about here, such as the fact that I've been sick with something or other every single day that I've been here, or the occasional bouts of seasonal depression that I get because it gets dark at 4:15 in the fucking afternoon. But this bathroom thing, I just can't hold it in anymore (no pun intended).
Lets start with the toilets. And this is universal here. They are all exactly the same, no matter where you go. They are designed for midgets or something. Seriously, they are fucking tiny. And Slavs are not tiny people. This country isn't exactly populated by petite Asian people. So who the fuck decided that the toilets should be of a size that in order to fit your whole ass on them, you have to sqeeze yourself as if you're trying to birth a diamond out of your ass? Was it Stalin? I can just picture it. It's the late 1940's, there's war raging, mass starvation and death. The great Joseph Stalin wakes up one morning with his full-on schizophrenia and thinks to himself "Let's see, how can I torture the Russian Narod a bit more? What more can I take away from the Proletariat? I already took their water, heat, lives, children, food, and all the other comforts that a person needs in order to be psychologically healthy. Oh, I know, I'll make the toilets tiny and uncomfortable! Also, I'll make it mandatory that all the bathrooms be the size of a matchbox. That way, on top of being generally uncomfortable and unable to perfom their morning doings, they'll also be forced to inhabit a claustrophobic nightmare! Because we are Russians and the great Russian Peoples are strong and don't need comfort! Discomfort will set you free! We will win this war!"
This is exactly how I picture it went down. He then made it law. And anyone who's toilet and bathroom didn't conform to his ridiculous measurements, or complained about them, was immediately taken out back and shot. And somehow, even though Stalin is long dead and communism toppled, the bathroom torture continues...
Also, you think that you're flushing the toilet, but it's just fucking around with you. It's just kidding. It only takes your attempts seriously on the tenth time or so. Thanks shitty water pressure!
I had a whole post prepared about how this amazing, beautiful, incredibly talented young musician came over to our place last night, and we had a lovely time and jammed, and even recorded all of it, and how he said that he knows this chic that I should sing with and all was well with the world. But I'm not going to post that shit. Instead, having woken up this morning, sleepily gone to the bathroom, and walked out of there once again seething with rage and hatred, I'm going to do an entire post on how much I hate the bathrooms here. That's right. I hate the fucking bathrooms here.
Now I'm really sorry about this. There are plenty of things that I choose not to write about here, such as the fact that I've been sick with something or other every single day that I've been here, or the occasional bouts of seasonal depression that I get because it gets dark at 4:15 in the fucking afternoon. But this bathroom thing, I just can't hold it in anymore (no pun intended).
Lets start with the toilets. And this is universal here. They are all exactly the same, no matter where you go. They are designed for midgets or something. Seriously, they are fucking tiny. And Slavs are not tiny people. This country isn't exactly populated by petite Asian people. So who the fuck decided that the toilets should be of a size that in order to fit your whole ass on them, you have to sqeeze yourself as if you're trying to birth a diamond out of your ass? Was it Stalin? I can just picture it. It's the late 1940's, there's war raging, mass starvation and death. The great Joseph Stalin wakes up one morning with his full-on schizophrenia and thinks to himself "Let's see, how can I torture the Russian Narod a bit more? What more can I take away from the Proletariat? I already took their water, heat, lives, children, food, and all the other comforts that a person needs in order to be psychologically healthy. Oh, I know, I'll make the toilets tiny and uncomfortable! Also, I'll make it mandatory that all the bathrooms be the size of a matchbox. That way, on top of being generally uncomfortable and unable to perfom their morning doings, they'll also be forced to inhabit a claustrophobic nightmare! Because we are Russians and the great Russian Peoples are strong and don't need comfort! Discomfort will set you free! We will win this war!"
This is exactly how I picture it went down. He then made it law. And anyone who's toilet and bathroom didn't conform to his ridiculous measurements, or complained about them, was immediately taken out back and shot. And somehow, even though Stalin is long dead and communism toppled, the bathroom torture continues...
Also, you think that you're flushing the toilet, but it's just fucking around with you. It's just kidding. It only takes your attempts seriously on the tenth time or so. Thanks shitty water pressure!
I'm just saying. I'm sick of the midget toilets and the matchbox bathrooms!
4 comments:
Oh I feel sooo sorry for you... I've experienced those tiny toilets when Alana and Jaiden used to be in preschool, and i used to despise them.
Anyway, sad that we didn't get to hang out before you left, but I'm glad you have this blog so I can read about your exciting life in Russia. So when are you coming back to NY?
BTW, Alana's been asking for a matryoshka doll for the longest.... do you think you can send me one? Just let me know how much plus shipping, and I can paypal the $ over to you.
Yeah, they're a pain the ass. Literally.
Hey, I can get you one of those Matryoshka dolls here, but it might be easier and cheaper to just go to Brighton Beach in Brooklyn and get them. That way you don't have to pay for shipping and stuff. Plus I don't really trust the Russian mail system. Even if I were to FexEx it, it could still get hijacked the by Russian FedEx employees. There's tons of them over there in Brooklyn. I can probably even find the right stores for you if you want.
As far as coming back to NYC, the plan was for me to stay here for a year. So probably not before then. And I'm a little sad that we didn't get to hang out as well.
I shall not even begin to tell you about the bathroom situation in the desert. Just this - the internatinal airport in Algiers has normal western toilets, and the water actually works. The national airport - a 10 minute walk outside, with all your luggage of course, which you have to put through security machines both going in and out of every part of every airport - has Asian style toilets - in case you don't know what that's like, it is a ceramic (normal toilet or sink material) plaque in the floor, with a small - very small - hole in it and marked in relief places to put your feet, although the direction you should be in is sometimes a bit confusing to westerners. The water is a small faucet, with which you can fill some receptacle - if it is there - and through the entirely inadequate amount of it into the hole - Lord knows for. In the airport, this is relatively clean - relatively - but imagine the very same thing used by about 100 people - artists and soldiers - in a military post, with the water supply working only only intermittently, for a period of 10 days!
Oops, I guess I did tell you about it, but mind I spared you the details.
Yeah, I know those asian style toilets. They used to have them in the public restrooms here when I was a kid. Also in Italy. Still, nothing will ever beat the hippy rainbow gathering communal "shitting hole". I'll spare you the details of that. :)
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