Dear friends, I know I've been absent from class for a while, but it's only because nothing much has happened here. What can I say, it's February in Russia. In other words, it's purgatory.
But just recently, quite a few things have happened. So here they are in order of importance:
First of all, I got unfired ya'll! Yeah, apparently they do that here. See, the company that I work for could no longer to pay me my salary. I was like chocolate cake that in a time of crisis they simply couldn't allow themselves to eat. So as some of you may or may not recall, they gave me my two months and fired my ass. I was all looking for a job and shit and fixed up my resume. But then uberboss intervened on my behalf. He absolutely insists that I remain with the company. For some undetermined reason the man wants to keep me. "Keep me." I feel like a household pet. So he's going to pay my salary out of his own pocket. As a friend of ours suggested, I should get a business card that says the following:
Plusha B.
Minigarch's Pet with Skills
Minigarch's Pet with Skills
So that's what's been going on on the job front for me. Russia is still cold, and still has an economic crisis going on, but the Ruble has stopped falling in value, we're getting this very nice polar white light now in the city, and I don't need to look for a new job just yet, so at least that much is good with the world.
But now, here's a rather lengthy and ridiculous anecdote from my life here that hopefully I can avoid in the future:
I made this little expat friend here a while back that I thought was rather charming and attractive and thought it might just be nice to be friends with him. For the purposes of protecting his privacy, let's say that he's from Alabama (although, really he's from the U.K. region, but let's pretend like his privacy matters anyway). And just to make it easier for everyone, let's call him "Alabama." I will say this though. Alabama is a short little man. Alabama also has the tendency to get drunk and get robbed on his way home. This has happened to him several times already in this country because the dumbass doesn't speak any Russian and can't remember anything in the morning. Alabama has been jacked for two coats in this manner, to date. Which is really sad because it's fucking cold here and a good coat is worth it's weight in gold.
So anyway, one night, little Plusha was sitting there all bored and decided to make a mixed CD for her new friend Alabama. Ok, I know it's very highschool crush and all, but whatever. So I text him to find out if he's got any Kino already, because if he doesn't, then I would include some on his CD. That's right, I'm a conciencious mix CD maker. Alabama texts me back that he's at this local haunt of ours and that I should come on down.
When I get there, he's on a date. A D-A-T-E! Ok, that's fine, I'm not his girlfriend, but why the fuck would you invite me out while you're on a date with another woman. I mean, is he confused about my gender? Does he think that I'm a dude? Ok, I'm letting that one go. After I show up, naturally, the date bounces the fuck out of there lightning fast. She's a Russian woman and was probably completely confused by this action on his part.
Then, over the course of several hours, Alabama proceeds to get shitfaced drunk and it gets to the point where the other patrons ask me to get him to leave because he's annoying them. At some point, Alabama forgot who he was, where he was, and began telling people that I'm his girlfriend. I was not amused.
At the continued insistent requests of the other bar residents, I decided that it might be time to take Alabama home, especially seeing as how he could barely stand at this point. See, I could have just left his ass there, so that he can get robbed again on his way home, or even freeze to death because he couldn't remember where he lived at this point, but I decided to take pity on him, and put him in a car, and once again, because he couldn't remember his address, was forced to take him to my crib.
Here's where shit got not funny. After we got out of the car things went south. Apparently, Alabama likes to kick things when he's drunk. And by things, I mean other people's cars. And by other people, I mean very angry large Russian men that he was doing it right in front of. And whenever they would tell him to stop his response was always "Fuck ya mother!" In English. So I had to wrestle this drunken "Alabaman" towards the walls and away from the cars. My muscles all hurt the next day. I swear that shit is like gator wrestling.
But things really got not funny when we got to the yard of my building. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but the only people that live in my building are rich criminals and corrupt militsia. Also, there is 24 hour security. And these guys are huge and scary. And here we come, me and tiny Alabama, kicking every car on his way to my door with his tiny Alabama feet. Naturally, a few of the criminals and guards see this and come out and are just like "What the fuck do you think you're doing???" And I see them ball their giant manhands into fists. Did I shit myself at this point, understanding that little drunken Alabama wouldn't stand a chance, and I'd have to fight these fuckers and get my nose busted? No I did not. I pretended to be Alabama's wife, Russian-style by yelling at him "Come on you fucking Alchash! Get your ass indoors!" This was done in Russian. Alabama gave us away by telling me to go fuck myself in English. Then we had to run. Well, it was more me running and dragging little Alabama behind me on the ground. Suddenly, I decided that I like kicking too, and proceeded to kick the shit out of him a little bit along the way to my apartment. So we got chased for a bit, but then made it into my actual building.
The saga of the destructive drunk Alabama does not end there. Once we got to my apartment, I removed his shoes, money, belt, and telephone, and put him to bed. He passed out immediately after repeating several times "just don't hit me anymore." I tried to sleep in a chair because I didn't want to be anywhere near that freakshow. Because the chair was really uncomfortable, I ended up climbing into bed next to him, but made very sure that we were both bundled into two seperate blankets.
About 20 minutes later, Alabama decided that it might be great for him to get completely undressed and crawl under my blanket with me. Now Alabama is not a drunk rapist or anything. What he is is a chronic, drunk self-molester. So he kept trying to put my hands and mouth in places where they don't want to go. More fucking gator wrestling!
In the morning, a telephone repairman showed up to put in a new telephone line in my apartment. Alabama was confused as to where he was and what had happened to his car. I thought he might be a bit schitzophrenic for a minute there because he ain't got no car. He also kept asking who the large man in the apartment was. I told him that it was the telephone man and was met with the blankest look ever. Alabama's last two actions at my apartment consisted of him clumsily sitting down on a chair and accidentally ripping one of my curtains down, and then in the process of trying to fix it while standing on a wobbly ladder, falling with said ladder into the bathroom door, thereby putting a sizeable dent in the door. At this point I told Alabama to just get the fuck out of my apartment. I didn't mince words there either. The whole experience pissed me off so much that I couldn't look poor little Alabama in the face. He phoned me an apology later, but it's kind of empty given the fact that this kind of shit probably happens to him a lot.
So to recap, Alabama almost got my ass kicked and irreperably damaged several items in my RENTED apartment, as well as being sort of molestly. I'm officially looking for new friends in this country. And that's the end of the drunk little Alabama saga.
Tomorrow, I'll post some pictures that I've taken around town. Thanks for listening folks. Just had to get that off my chest.
But now, here's a rather lengthy and ridiculous anecdote from my life here that hopefully I can avoid in the future:
I made this little expat friend here a while back that I thought was rather charming and attractive and thought it might just be nice to be friends with him. For the purposes of protecting his privacy, let's say that he's from Alabama (although, really he's from the U.K. region, but let's pretend like his privacy matters anyway). And just to make it easier for everyone, let's call him "Alabama." I will say this though. Alabama is a short little man. Alabama also has the tendency to get drunk and get robbed on his way home. This has happened to him several times already in this country because the dumbass doesn't speak any Russian and can't remember anything in the morning. Alabama has been jacked for two coats in this manner, to date. Which is really sad because it's fucking cold here and a good coat is worth it's weight in gold.
So anyway, one night, little Plusha was sitting there all bored and decided to make a mixed CD for her new friend Alabama. Ok, I know it's very highschool crush and all, but whatever. So I text him to find out if he's got any Kino already, because if he doesn't, then I would include some on his CD. That's right, I'm a conciencious mix CD maker. Alabama texts me back that he's at this local haunt of ours and that I should come on down.
When I get there, he's on a date. A D-A-T-E! Ok, that's fine, I'm not his girlfriend, but why the fuck would you invite me out while you're on a date with another woman. I mean, is he confused about my gender? Does he think that I'm a dude? Ok, I'm letting that one go. After I show up, naturally, the date bounces the fuck out of there lightning fast. She's a Russian woman and was probably completely confused by this action on his part.
Then, over the course of several hours, Alabama proceeds to get shitfaced drunk and it gets to the point where the other patrons ask me to get him to leave because he's annoying them. At some point, Alabama forgot who he was, where he was, and began telling people that I'm his girlfriend. I was not amused.
At the continued insistent requests of the other bar residents, I decided that it might be time to take Alabama home, especially seeing as how he could barely stand at this point. See, I could have just left his ass there, so that he can get robbed again on his way home, or even freeze to death because he couldn't remember where he lived at this point, but I decided to take pity on him, and put him in a car, and once again, because he couldn't remember his address, was forced to take him to my crib.
Here's where shit got not funny. After we got out of the car things went south. Apparently, Alabama likes to kick things when he's drunk. And by things, I mean other people's cars. And by other people, I mean very angry large Russian men that he was doing it right in front of. And whenever they would tell him to stop his response was always "Fuck ya mother!" In English. So I had to wrestle this drunken "Alabaman" towards the walls and away from the cars. My muscles all hurt the next day. I swear that shit is like gator wrestling.
But things really got not funny when we got to the yard of my building. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but the only people that live in my building are rich criminals and corrupt militsia. Also, there is 24 hour security. And these guys are huge and scary. And here we come, me and tiny Alabama, kicking every car on his way to my door with his tiny Alabama feet. Naturally, a few of the criminals and guards see this and come out and are just like "What the fuck do you think you're doing???" And I see them ball their giant manhands into fists. Did I shit myself at this point, understanding that little drunken Alabama wouldn't stand a chance, and I'd have to fight these fuckers and get my nose busted? No I did not. I pretended to be Alabama's wife, Russian-style by yelling at him "Come on you fucking Alchash! Get your ass indoors!" This was done in Russian. Alabama gave us away by telling me to go fuck myself in English. Then we had to run. Well, it was more me running and dragging little Alabama behind me on the ground. Suddenly, I decided that I like kicking too, and proceeded to kick the shit out of him a little bit along the way to my apartment. So we got chased for a bit, but then made it into my actual building.
The saga of the destructive drunk Alabama does not end there. Once we got to my apartment, I removed his shoes, money, belt, and telephone, and put him to bed. He passed out immediately after repeating several times "just don't hit me anymore." I tried to sleep in a chair because I didn't want to be anywhere near that freakshow. Because the chair was really uncomfortable, I ended up climbing into bed next to him, but made very sure that we were both bundled into two seperate blankets.
About 20 minutes later, Alabama decided that it might be great for him to get completely undressed and crawl under my blanket with me. Now Alabama is not a drunk rapist or anything. What he is is a chronic, drunk self-molester. So he kept trying to put my hands and mouth in places where they don't want to go. More fucking gator wrestling!
In the morning, a telephone repairman showed up to put in a new telephone line in my apartment. Alabama was confused as to where he was and what had happened to his car. I thought he might be a bit schitzophrenic for a minute there because he ain't got no car. He also kept asking who the large man in the apartment was. I told him that it was the telephone man and was met with the blankest look ever. Alabama's last two actions at my apartment consisted of him clumsily sitting down on a chair and accidentally ripping one of my curtains down, and then in the process of trying to fix it while standing on a wobbly ladder, falling with said ladder into the bathroom door, thereby putting a sizeable dent in the door. At this point I told Alabama to just get the fuck out of my apartment. I didn't mince words there either. The whole experience pissed me off so much that I couldn't look poor little Alabama in the face. He phoned me an apology later, but it's kind of empty given the fact that this kind of shit probably happens to him a lot.
So to recap, Alabama almost got my ass kicked and irreperably damaged several items in my RENTED apartment, as well as being sort of molestly. I'm officially looking for new friends in this country. And that's the end of the drunk little Alabama saga.
Tomorrow, I'll post some pictures that I've taken around town. Thanks for listening folks. Just had to get that off my chest.
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